Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Welcome back to Lewy Body and Mindful caregiving. I'm Crystal Jowski and I'm glad that you're here today. I want to talk about how are you doing versus how are you feeling? And before I go into that, the topic first is always self care. What did I do for self care? So we finally have snow and some cold weather, and I love just the hanging out on the couch, curling up in a blanket, reading a good book, sipping some tea. I even have a tea warmer that sits on the. On the nightstand or the table next to me so that I can keep it warm while I just enjoy. And I allowed myself to do that for a half of a day, acknowledging and setting the intention that this was self care for me. And it felt absolutely wonderful. So I read a book and snuggled into the blankets.
[00:01:01] How are you doing versus how are you feeling? They may sound very similar, but they have a very different feel when it comes to being a caregiver.
[00:01:13] A lot of people walk around and they say, hey, how are you? There's not that extra word, how are you doing? How are you feeling?
[00:01:21] It's just, how are you? And we often say, I'm fine.
[00:01:27] It's just an automatic response. We figure people really don't want to hear how we really are because how we really are might be struggling and having a difficult time and really grasping at being okay and moving through life and the emotions that are running through us, the many, many things that just leave us feeling like we need to fall to our knees.
[00:01:56] I ended up talking with my talk doc and this was a question she asked me. And I thought it was so valuable and so good that I really wanted to share it with you here and now, specifically and directly now. I may have shared this in previous episodes and I don't care. I want to do it again if I did.
[00:02:17] How are you doing versus how are you feeling?
[00:02:21] How am I feeling? Might be overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, resentful, tired feeling.
[00:02:32] How are you feeling at this time?
[00:02:36] Maybe a wreck.
[00:02:38] Or I may feel strong and powerful. I may feel confident in my ability to deal with all of this. I may feel rested because I actually slept through the night last night and I got more than seven hours of sleep. I got nine hours of sleep. How am I feeling?
[00:02:58] Is a personal thing.
[00:03:01] Where are you at in this moment? In this feeling moment?
[00:03:07] And it varies throughout the day because in the morning I might wake up and I'm. I'm a slow, slow to get going kind of person. I really take my time and I'm not Fully firing on all cylinders until closer to 9 or 10 o'clock in the morning. Before that, who knows what you're going to get. I may be a little snarky or spiky or irritable. I might just be dragging, trying to wake up. I might be in a decent mood, but realistically, I just need that time. I love a slower morning where I'm not dealing with people until later.
[00:03:48] So first thing in the morning, it's a gamble. How am I feeling? I'm feeling my way through the morning.
[00:03:56] Then I go out to my mom. How am I feeling? Well, depends on how things are going with mom. I might feel pretty dang good. I might feel happy and we might be able to joke and laugh together. We might be able to enjoy a cup, playing a couple of games together or watching a movie or just chatting about whatever is going on. And it might be a good, positive thing. And then I might leave her. And I'm going through my day.
[00:04:26] How are you feeling, like really feeling in that moment?
[00:04:33] How are you doing? Is something different.
[00:04:39] When somebody asks me how I'm feeling and I tell them everything and it's upsetting and frustrating and then I shift gears to, how am I doing? I'm doing a pretty freaking amazing job.
[00:04:57] I'm keeping like. So far, I've been able to honor my mom's wishes and keep her at home so that she doesn't need to go to a memory care place or stay with someone else.
[00:05:10] That's a pretty good job.
[00:05:12] I am making sure that my mom's medications are taken care of the way that they need to be taken care of. And because of those medications, she's got a better memory. She's a little clearer. Her shakes are not as bad. Her hallucinations are a little bit better. She has a better quality of life because of everything I'm doing.
[00:05:33] How am I doing? I'm doing great because I'm able to be patient and understanding with her. I'm able to laugh and joke with her in those moments. I'm able to take her to doctor's appointments, make sure that she's got what she needs, make sure she has food and supplies and whatnot, get her out of the house when she feels like the walls are just falling in on her. I am doing amazing. I'm doing amazing.
[00:06:01] How am I feeling? Maybe a little tired, maybe a little frustrated, maybe a little irritated, but doing and feeling, and this is why I feel like it's so important to share it with you right here, right now, because I can write a list of all the things I do, and I do a lot.
[00:06:26] Sometimes I don't see it and sometimes I forget all of the things that I'm doing. Even behind the scenes in the background, I'm finding people that can come by and say hi, who my mom loves right now and is worried about them not coming, like she wants them there. How am I doing? Really good.
[00:06:48] How am I feeling?
[00:06:51] Sometimes I feel pretty proud of myself for getting all of this stuff aligned, getting all of this stuff taken care of to make sure that she's okay.
[00:07:00] If you sit down, take a couple of moments and write down, whether it's in your phone or on a piece of paper in your journal, I don't care, but write it down. How are you doing? What are you doing and kicking butt at to make sure that your loved one is taken care of and that you are taken care of.
[00:07:24] I am doing enough self care that I can treat her with respect and love even when I'm frustrated and irritated with her.
[00:07:34] I am doing enough to take care of myself and my family while still caring for her. I am doing a lot.
[00:07:44] If I write all of those things down and then I put that list in multiple places, then in the bathroom when I get up in the morning and I'm still dragging a little bit and maybe I'm irritated because something happened in the middle of the night or I had bad dreams or whatever, I can be reminded, yeah, I'm doing all of those things.
[00:08:07] It's a boost, a reminder that you are doing really well, you are doing amazing things for your loved one. Maybe you post it on the fridge, maybe it's a note in your phone. Maybe you take that list and you make it your background so that when you look at your phone, that list pops up and you're reminded of all of the things that you are doing and succeeding. How are you doing?
[00:08:39] Do you see the difference?
[00:08:42] How am I doing?
[00:08:45] Some days I cry a lot because I'm worn and I'm tired.
[00:08:52] That means I'm feeling all of the emotions and going through that. And even when I feel all of those emotions, even when I'm tired and upset, I could still say, yeah, this is how I feel.
[00:09:08] But how I'm doing is phenomenal.
[00:09:15] What I'm doing is amazing. And it's a gift to my mom, to myself, to my siblings.
[00:09:30] How am I doing?
[00:09:33] I hope you take this to heart. I hope you breathe it in and sit with it for a minute. And I really hope that it helps you the way it helps me because I know that my doctor and I, my talk doc have talked about this before in the very beginning maybe.
[00:09:55] I just know we've talked about this before and yet in the moment when I was talking with her again and I was feeling so exhausted and down and emotional and just a mess, she reminded me and I was like, that's right.
[00:10:13] So while my shoulders want to sag with all of the emotion I'm feeling, I can actually square them and say I will feel this emotion. I will experience this emotion and at the same time I can hold my head high knowing that I'm doing a really good job.
[00:10:30] I hope you feel it too.
[00:10:33] I wish you the best. I'm sending you love.
[00:10:36] I'm sending you gratitude that your loved one might not even be able to express.
[00:10:42] For everything you do, for all of your efforts, for all of the sacrifices you're doing amazing.
[00:10:50] Thanks for listening and until next time, take care.
