Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Hello and welcome back to Louie Body and mindful caregiving. I'm Crystal Jaikowski and I'm glad you're here.
[00:00:19] We always start with self care. So what did I do for self care? It is now January, Mary, and I'm going to tell you that I gave myself some breathing room and didn't go out with all of the people that I needed to. I left the mess a little longer than I normally would have and said it'll get done later. And I let people help.
[00:00:43] We had my whole family, they came to Colorado for Christmas and we were all together. And instead of feeling like I needed to hop up and do the dishes or I needed to help clean this or do that, I let it go and I let somebody else pitch in and help out. And it was beautiful.
[00:01:06] It was absolutely beautiful.
[00:01:09] And I'm so grateful to my family and my siblings for choosing in being the amazing people that they are.
[00:01:26] Family is a gift, whether I'm talking about the Chosen family that we choose, which I like to call my framily, or the blood family that chooses in and is there for you thick or thin, because they care.
[00:01:51] Oh, well, didn't expect to get that emotional.
[00:01:56] I hope that you gave yourself some permission to take some time off during this holiday season. I hope that you pulled back a little bit more and gave yourself some breathing room. Or maybe this year you wanted to go even further out and be more connected with people because that is what fills your cup. And if you did that, you go. And I'm so proud of you and congratulations on that. Regardless, as always, please add the self care.
[00:02:24] Put yourself higher on that priority list and give to yourself. Fill your cup.
[00:02:32] This week I want to address a unique situation.
[00:02:38] A few months ago, I released an episode and I was explaining to you guys about me taking my mom to Switzerland. And this was a trip that my mom had asked for and my mom at the time was lucid enough and it was fine and we were going to go do it. And then I just knew that there were things in the background that I needed to take care of.
[00:02:59] Go back and listen to the episode if you'd like to. It's a good one.
[00:03:03] Somebody decided to respond to that episode. And in the comments, they informed me that they felt that I was taking my mom on a trip simply to make myself feel better and that I was putting her in uncomfortable situations and I shouldn't be doing that because I was doing that wrong.
[00:03:30] Here's the deal.
[00:03:32] That person is not in my situation.
[00:03:35] That person does not know my mom had not been dealing with. My mom does not know her abilities or her inabilities, does not truly know and understand. He may listen, they may listen to my podcast and take my words and create their own idea from that. But if you haven't been dealing with her, you really don't know. You don't know where she's at, how she is emotionally, mentally, physically.
[00:04:07] Initially, I was upset and offended and I was like, how dare you judge me? But then I sat back and thought about it and I decided, I'm doing a podcast on this because it's beautiful and it's perfect. And you guys need to know this. There are going to be people that judge. There are going to be people that look at you and say you're doing that wrong.
[00:04:29] Do they know your person?
[00:04:32] There are going to be people who are saying you're not taking care of her the way that I think you should.
[00:04:38] Are they present?
[00:04:40] Do they know?
[00:04:43] I think oftentimes we dive in and we are doing the best that we can and we are hoping and praying that somebody will give us some validation and say, good job, pat on the back, woohoo. You are fabulous. And we need that reassurance from other people because we are, in ourselves insecure and worried.
[00:05:05] But the problem is that getting that validation from other people who are not in your situation is not helpful at all. It's not helpful because they can lift you up, they can tear you down. Not very many people.
[00:05:28] I can't say that I have to stop myself there.
[00:05:35] There will be people who say, good job.
[00:05:40] There will be people who say, your loved one is so lucky to have you.
[00:05:49] I don't think they recognize how much you're doing for them. And I just want to let you know that you're doing amazing.
[00:05:57] There will be people who recognize, especially if they're people in the medical field who have had to deal with an aging parent or forget the medical field. If there's someone who has had an aging loved one who has had a challenge and had to take care of them and they see you going through that, they may let you know you're doing a good job because they've been there, done that.
[00:06:26] The people who want to judge you and tell you that you're not doing it the right way, screw them, for lack of a better phrase.
[00:06:41] You don't need that negativity. You don't need that judgment. You don't need that added weight, that added bs. They are not in your shoes.
[00:06:53] They do not know what you go through on a day to day basis. They only have the snippet that's right there.
[00:07:02] I've had several people talk to me about the fact that they have loved ones out of state. They have siblings or other family members that think that things should be dealt with a specific way, but those family members are not in person.
[00:07:19] Those family members are not right here, right now, experiencing the challenges and the difficulties that you are going through.
[00:07:28] So they give their judgments and they give their thoughts, but they don't know the full truth.
[00:07:38] I know that it's hard with family to say your opinion doesn't matter right now, because their opinion does matter.
[00:07:47] It's hard to not take them personally, especially when you feel like you might be answering to them in some way. Oh, they're watching, and I need to take care of mom or dad or whoever in such a way that they won't be upset with me. It's a huge weight. You're putting the expectations of everybody else on your shoulders, and what it boils down to is between you and your loved one and whoever else is directly caring for them.
[00:08:22] Those who are in the inner circle that recognize really what's going on and are navigating that day in, day out, month in, month out, year long.
[00:08:39] Those who are not intimately involved, let it go.
[00:08:50] If they want to have a bigger say or opinion in the matter, then they can come. They can be a part of taking care of them. They can be a part of the team.
[00:09:06] Otherwise, the only thing you want from them is their support.
[00:09:14] Their opinion can hurt. You have enough pain and stress going on without the added challenge of somebody else's opinion.
[00:09:29] And if that opinion, like mine, is from a complete stranger, screw them.
[00:09:38] You don't know me.
[00:09:40] You don't know my mom. I do not have to justify myself to you.
[00:09:47] The only person that I need to make sure that I'm on absolute, even ground with is my mom.
[00:09:56] Do I feel good about how I am taking care of her? Do I have a clear conscience, knowing that I'm doing the best that I can?
[00:10:06] Am I being as kind as possible, as patient as possible with her to get through all of this stuff?
[00:10:16] Me and my mom, in social media, there are so many times when people seek that approval.
[00:10:29] They're hoping for acknowledgments, they're hoping for people to comment and all the likes and the loves, and we're seeking that outward manifestation of our validity.
[00:10:45] During the first year, I really felt like I needed outward people to reassure me that I was doing okay.
[00:10:58] I needed that boost. I'm here to tell you you're doing okay.
[00:11:04] Even if today is one of the hardest days that you've dealt with, you're doing okay. You're getting through it. Congratulations. I'm proud of you.
[00:11:14] If you need that boost, go find a talk doc.
[00:11:18] Go to a support group at your local senior center.
[00:11:24] Find a support group on Facebook or social media.
[00:11:27] Find a way that you can get that reassurance that you're not alone and that you're okay.
[00:11:34] And I know that that's outwardly, and yet these are people who are struggling as well and are wanting to lift you up as much as they need to be lifted up. They are not people from the outside looking in, trying to judge you.
[00:11:50] And if that's what you need and that's what helps you until you yourself can hold yourself up, then I say, go for it. It's part of self care.
[00:12:00] Sometimes we are so low that we can't pull ourselves up and we need a helping hand. We need somebody to lower the ladder down into our pit or maybe just climb into the pit with us while we cry for a minute before we climb back up.
[00:12:17] Those opinions don't matter.
[00:12:21] I respect this person's choice to reach out, and I was actually grateful for their criticism because it meant that I got to sit back and think about it and say, okay, did I do that for my mom or did I do that for me? It let me reevaluate my own.
[00:12:47] I don't know the word.
[00:12:55] I know it will come to me later.
[00:13:05] The bottom line is that for me, I know that my intentions are pure with my mom, that my relationship with my mom, in caregiving with her, in a mother child relationship, in everything that's there.
[00:13:27] I know that I am doing the best that I can and that I am sincerely following her wishes. I am being the best support, the best navigator, the best healthcare liaison, the best social director, the best everything for her that I can possibly be.
[00:13:52] I have to sit in that and I have to be confident, and you do, too. This person, let me reevaluate this person, let me look at it and say, is that true? And then I said, I'm not going to take that personal.
[00:14:09] They obviously have their own opinions and since they don't fully know my situation, I'm going to let that go. I hope that you can let them go, too. Their opinions don't matter.
[00:14:22] Yours does.
[00:14:24] Your loved ones does. Even when they are yelling at you, even when they are completely confused.
[00:14:32] As long as you know that you are doing your best that's what matters. Be true to you. Give yourself that support. Give yourself space.
[00:14:42] Give yourself a pat on the back for being a gift.
[00:14:49] A gift to that person who so desperately needs somebody else to help them through, to guide them, to help them to nurture and nourish.
[00:15:00] You're a gift. Thank you for choosing in. Thank you for being one of those people who helps your loved one through the end of this life.
[00:15:14] You're amazing.
[00:15:16] Go do some self care. And I hope to see you back here next week for an update on where my mom's at in her physical, mental, everything.
[00:15:26] We'll see you next week on Louis body and mindful caregiving.
