Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Hello, and welcome back to Lewy body and mindful caregiving. I'm Crystal Jakowski, and I'm glad that you're here. This week we are talking about the third agreement in the fourth agreement, four agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz. But before I dive into that, I want to tell you what self care I have done. So self care, I did a whole load. I had my niece out and we did a whole bunch of pottery. And we got it through the drying process, and then we kiln fired it and then we glazed it and all of it came out. And it was so beautiful. And it's so exciting because I have new mugs and we replaced her bowl. And so that was a fantastic, exciting little. It's like a kid at Christmas. You're just waiting for that kiln to be ready for you to open it so you can see how everything turned out with all the different glazes and stuff. So I did a bunch of pottery, and that was fabulous.
[00:01:06] On to this topic. So the third one in this four part series is, don't make assumptions. This is so big.
[00:01:17] I've applied this to my life with my friends and acquaintances and whatnot, and, and it's been fantastic. It's been really, really good and beneficial for me in my life. And then my husband said, apply it to your mom. And, oh, man, it takes on a whole new life, a whole new direction. And so I'm excited to share this with you. So the don't make assumptions portion of the four agreements is all about, like, asking questions to clarify the meaning behind someone's statement. It's about speaking with them as clearly as possible and avoiding all of the drama. It's, it's all about, hey, what is truth? What is reality?
[00:02:06] It used to be that if a friend, if we made an agreement with a friend that we were going to get together for dinner to hang out or something, and then that say that friend cancels, then I would assume that I wasn't, like, I wasn't as important as whatever has had come up, you know, and I might get a little frustrated. And this is just a random idea. This has does not actually apply to my friends right now, but it's just to iterate this concept.
[00:02:35] It's not necessarily that I'm not as important as whatever else came up or that they don't like me. If I assume that, oh, maybe I said something and I upset them, or maybe they don't like my house because it smells funny, or maybe they don't like, you know, my space, or maybe they don't, whatever it is, but making these assumptions. You know the phrase assuming a s s u m e, it makes an arse out of you and me. Don't make assumptions. It's wild when you start doing this. I was playing pickleball and this guy was slamming the ball. And every time he slammed the ball, he would actually hit me. It was. It felt like he was aiming directly at me and he was doing body shots. The thing is that when you do a body shot, the other, that team gets the point. The team that sent the body shot over, not the receiving, not the one that receives the body shot. So the ball goes across the net and they hit it and they hit me and then it hits the ground. They get the point. And he kept hitting me. And I was really frustrated with this. I was really upset because why do you keep hitting me? And I. I mean, it hurts when they hit it that hard. It hurts. And I just kind of. I felt like a little kid that kind of had to just stand there and deal with somebody hitting me. I didn't know how to speak up for myself. And then the whole assuming that he's just angry with me or he's just got a problem and then it's, no, he's not angry with you. He doesn't even know you. He probably didn't even know your name. So don't make that assumption. What assumption? You know, there's. What assumption is going to help in this situation? No assumption is going to help other than me just saying, you know, it's okay talking to him and saying, dude, I don't know why you're hitting me, but it hurts. And I'd really appreciate you stop. Like, that's not cool.
[00:04:34] Speaking up for myself type thing. But no assumption is going to be beneficial here. It's not going to make anything better. And if I sit with him and I don't say anything, then it's just going to kind of fester and I'm going to be frustrated because I'm assuming that he doesn't like me. I'm assuming that I'm just this cushion that he can beat up. So assuming doesn't help in that vein, in that picture, but it gets applied across the board. And when you apply this to your loved one with dementia, don't make assumptions.
[00:05:12] Don't assume that they know how to take care of themselves, that they know how to go down the hall to go to dinner. Don't assume that they know how to take a shower. Don't assume that they are really with it. Don't assume that what they tell you is true all the time because the fact of the matter is there's going to be times when they tell you stuff.
[00:05:39] There's no foundation for it. There's no basis, there's no truth in whatever they're saying. They're just saying. They're just talking.
[00:05:49] The truth is elsewhere.
[00:05:52] And in this, don't make assumptions.
[00:05:56] It's asking questions for clarity. So, hey, I see you're really mad. Instead of saying, I assume you're mad at me, I assume that you're upset with something I've done. You can say you're really upset. So would you like to tell me what's going on?
[00:06:16] Why are you so upset? Did something happen? Are you feeling sick? Are you hurt? Are you in pain? What's going on? Why do you feel that way? When they start to yell and get a little frustrated instead of assuming they're frustrated with you, it's okay. So what happened? Are you missing a sock? You can't find it? Maybe they've only got one sock on and you're trying to make them put another one on because it's a little cold outside and they just absolutely refuse.
[00:06:44] Doesn't matter.
[00:06:46] Ask questions. Well, why don't you want to wear your sock? I just don't want to wear my sock. Okay. All right. Don't fight them. Let them go the way that it is.
[00:07:00] When I stopped making assumptions with my mom and just took everything at face value, things shift, things change. It's like, yeah, okay, sure, that's your reality. My mom said to somebody, very emotionally, I just wish I could go out more.
[00:07:22] My assumption initially was that she was making a diss on me. That she was saying, I wish my daughter would take me out more, is not what she was saying.
[00:07:35] When I stopped and asked for clarification, her answer was, I wish that I felt steady enough to go out more.
[00:07:46] I wish that my eyes weren't so messed up so I could feel comfortable in a car instead of feeling so uneasy and sick.
[00:07:57] I wish that when I went out, I didn't have to lean on somebody for support, that I could just walk of my own 2ft and my own ability.
[00:08:12] She wasn't saying, I wish my daughter would take me out more. She was literally saying, I wish I could go out more. I wish I felt well enough to go out more. I wish I was steady and stable enough to go out more. My assumption that she meant I should take her out more caused me upset and frustration and grief. I got defensive saying, mom, I do take you out, and I offer to take you out, but you tell me no.
[00:08:47] I feel bad when you tell people that you wish you could get out more. That doesn't help either one of us. It makes her feel bad for having said what was going on for her. No matter how partial it was, it was absolutely true. My.
[00:09:05] What falls on my head is asking questions for clarity, understanding fully and completely. Now, this also comes into play when you're talking about their medical issues.
[00:09:20] Don't make assumptions.
[00:09:22] When someone's dementia dramatically, the symptoms dramatically increase and they are more confused and more frustrated. Don't make the assumption that they are actually declining further into dementia. Jump first to some blood tests and see if there's an infection, like a kidney infection or a bladder infection, because that will seem like dementia decline.
[00:09:50] Assumptions as far as their clothes or doing laundry or taking showers or do they still do their meds? Do you assume that they're okay doing their meds? And in reality, you need to be in there helping out to make sure that they get the meds, the right meds in the right place at the right time.
[00:10:14] When I go in and I talk to my mom and she says, oh, I just. My stomach is upset and I just don't feel like I can eat.
[00:10:22] I can't make the assumption it's an upset stomach. I can't make the assumption that it's indigestion. I have to ask clarifying questions. Is this upper tummy like, where the stomach is? Is this lower tummy where the small intestine is? Is it around the edge? Is it in your actual bowel movements?
[00:10:43] I have to ask clarifying questions. And in asking those clarifying questions, I am better able to attend to her needs. Is she constipated? Is she too loose and runny? Does she have symptoms of, like, an ulcer to where she feels full all the time, so she's just not eating food at all? And yet putting her on a meprazole calms that stomach acid down and she feels a lot better and so she's able to eat? The only way I know that is because I ask clarifying questions. The don't make assumptions comes in so many places. It is more than just your communication with your loved one when they're upset and frustrated and confused and all of that stuff. It's also in their medical aspect.
[00:11:36] I'm just in pain all the time. Where are you in pain? What's going on? Did you sleep funny? And so you have a stiff neck is it your wrist? Is it your hip? Is it, where do you hurt and why do you hurt? And when did this start? And on a scale of one to ten, what is that pain? Like, how does it feel better or how does it feel worse? Clarifying questions the whole thing on don't make assumptions boils down to clarity on so many levels. And when you have that clarity, it's so much easier to not take things personally.
[00:12:15] It's so much easier to be impeccable with your word because you're like, oh, yeah, I get it. So that's not my problem.
[00:12:24] But I'm going to help you with that because that's your reality and your challenge and I am here to help you out with that. It's beautiful and it's amazing because it frees you up from the drama. It frees you up from the upset.
[00:12:38] Don't make assumptions.
[00:12:41] When they don't eat the food that you have brought over to you and they tell you that it was gross or that they didn't like it, is that actually true? Or did they forget how to use the microwave so they didn't cook it and they didn't want to tell you that they didn't cook it? Don't make assumptions.
[00:13:01] There's so much more in there that you can learn, that you can do to help your loved one and help yourself. Because if you are not getting upset due to those assumptions, then it's way easier to work with your loved one. It's way easier to help them through their experience because you're not piling your own insecurities and your own emotions on top of their insecurities and their emotions. You're not taking all of that on. And it is literally a form of self care.
[00:13:30] It is literally a form of self care to say, nope, I'm not taking this personally. I'm not going to make assumptions. I'm going to ask for clarity. Which then gives me, oh, freedom and an opportunity to breathe. I remember that you love me. I get to remember the positive, joyful times that we've spent together knowing that you do love me.
[00:14:01] Even though in this moment it might be a challenge. Don't make assumptions.
[00:14:05] It's a beautiful tool that you can use to help work through what's going on for you, for your loved one. And that applies whether it's a partner or a kid or a friend. Don't make assumptions. Do not assume anything. Ask the questions that will help you get to a ground level, a basic level that lets you know what's really going on for them. And then you can also deal with what's going on for you with less drama, with more love and compassion.
[00:14:43] I love it. It's so beautiful. It's such a gift.
[00:14:47] Thank you for listening today and come back next week for the fourth and final episode in this whole series. Until then, take care.
