Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Speaker A: Hi and welcome back to Louis Body and Mindful Caregiving. I'm Crystal Jakowski, your host, and I appreciate you coming and joining me today.
What a journey this is. What a journey it has been. What a journey will continue to be.
Self care. What did I do for self care? I started a new book.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: I am reading the Highlander series.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: There are eight books and I've started reading it.
[00:00:38] Speaker B: I really love it.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: And sometimes when I start reading it, I can't put it down, which can be a little bit of a challenge. But in the same aspect, it's really nice to have something that I enjoy doing so much. So how is that self care? Sometimes when I sit on the couch and I start to read, when I get up, I feel a little guilty that I spent so much time reading. But I believe that self care is a conscious, intentional act aimed at taking care of your own needs. And so when I sit back and I start to read a book, before I read the book, I say to.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: Myself, I'm putting aside this time so that I can fill my own cup.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: This is my intention and it is perfectly fine for me to spend the.
[00:01:23] Speaker B: Next little while reading, taking a step.
[00:01:27] Speaker A: Outside of my reality and enjoying the reality that somebody else has created. So hopefully that helps you and.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: Gives.
[00:01:39] Speaker A: You a little bit of a different perspective on self care. Because oftentimes we do things and they would fill our cup if we would allow them to, but we forget to set the intention and say, this is time for me. And so then we feel guilty for doing it instead of feeling revived and more alive. So that's what I did.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: Started reading book this week.
[00:02:04] Speaker A: I have a question for you and I have a story for you.
I went to lunch with a friend.
[00:02:12] Speaker B: And.
[00:02:15] Speaker A: He is a dear friend.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: I've known for, gosh, I don't know, maybe almost 20 years. And we had kind of lost touch.
[00:02:26] Speaker A: For a little bit. And then he came back into my life and he was one of my son's middle school teachers. And we worked on building a theater at that school for the kids. And I helped him direct and write and create a couple of plays. So it was really fun, creative time in life for me.
[00:02:49] Speaker B: And then my kids went to high.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: School and we moved on. So I didn't talk to him for a long time, but we started chatting again. And in this chatting he mentioned that his mom had passed from dementia. And I was like, really? And he said, yeah.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: I said, well, my mom is dealing.
[00:03:10] Speaker A: With Lewy Body Dementia and that means that I'm dealing with Lewy Body Dementia because I'm her caregiver. And he said, wow, well, tell me about that. What's going on and how do you feel and how are things going?
[00:03:24] Speaker B: And so I started to tell him.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: But it was kind of like this.
[00:03:27] Speaker B: Moment where my dam broke because I.
[00:03:30] Speaker A: Was feeling a little tender before the lunch. I was feeling a little just worn. I was excited to go to lunch with him and reconnect and see how he was and how his wife and his son were. But it had been a particularly rough week, so he asked me how I.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Was doing, and I just wanted to.
[00:03:53] Speaker A: Be authentic and honest with him instead of glazing over and saying, yeah, everything's fine and this is life and whatnot. And I was like, you know, it's really hard, and sometimes it's really frustrating because she makes decisions that I wish that she would do something differently, and.
[00:04:07] Speaker B: DA DA DA DA.
[00:04:08] Speaker A: And I just kind of expressed where I was at in the moment. And he said, well, how is this serving you?
When he asked me this question, I kind of wanted to punch him because I was like, Excuse me? What do you mean, how is this serving me?
You asked how I was doing. Are you asking me how telling you my weight and what I'm carrying is?
What do you mean by that question?
Are you asking how the experience of caregiving for my mom is serving me? Are you asking me how venting expressing the challenges is serving me? Like, what do you mean by that question? He said, how is caregiving serving you? How is taking care of your mom serving you?
[00:05:01] Speaker B: And I was like, It's not who.
[00:05:06] Speaker A: Are you to ask that kind of question? It's not serving me. It is frustrating. It is draining. I have to cancel clients. I have to cancel meetings. I am constantly having to go to doctors appointments and all of these things with her. And it is so frustrating and it is so sad and it's so angering that she's having to go through this and I'm having to go through this. And I'm, like.
[00:05:30] Speaker B: So compassionate for her.
[00:05:32] Speaker A: Experience because she's losing her mind and can't do anything about it. How is this serving me? Are you kidding me?
[00:05:39] Speaker B: Like, what kind of question is that?
But then I sat with it.
How is being my mom's caregiver serving me?
How is being your loved one's caregiver serving you?
So when I sat back and I thought about it, I was like, well, it's letting me be present with my mom, which is actually a gift, as.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: Difficult as that is, because when she says something really silly and has a.
[00:06:23] Speaker B: Crazy idea that she verbalizes, I get to laugh with her.
[00:06:32] Speaker A: When she's scared, I get to soothe.
[00:06:34] Speaker B: Her and recognize that I am a positive force in her life.
I get to see my own strength.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: Because if I had any doubt as to whether or not I had strength.
[00:06:56] Speaker B: And power, that is obliterated by how.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Strong I can be to deal with.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: All of the shit that comes up.
How is it serving me?
[00:07:13] Speaker A: It's forcing me to practice what I preach and do self care. Because without self care, I would not.
[00:07:21] Speaker B: Be able to give her what she needs.
[00:07:27] Speaker A: Without filling my cup and giving myself as much as I give her.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: I would eventually burn out and be of no use to either one of us.
[00:07:37] Speaker A: So she's forcing me to practice what.
[00:07:40] Speaker B: I preach because I teach all of.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: My clients the importance of self care.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: It's forcing me to grow.
How is this serving me?
It's reminding me to pause and take in the moment.
Tom Hanks was interviewed, I saw it on social media. He was with a bunch of other.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: People, and the question was, what do.
[00:08:14] Speaker B: You wish you had known?
[00:08:15] Speaker A: And his response was, this too shall pass.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Now, my mom says that, but she.
[00:08:21] Speaker A: Always said it in a religious context.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: And she always said it in the.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: Negative, difficult, challenging times will pass. So just hold on, because it'll pass.
But Tom was saying something completely different.
[00:08:39] Speaker B: This too, shall pass.
That family gathering where everybody's together and.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: Experiencing connection will pass.
That moment that you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing.
[00:08:55] Speaker B: Could bring you down will pass.
The ability to travel and experience the world will pass.
He was saying, every moment in life will pass.
And when I took that statement and I coupled that with my mom and Louie body, it was a double edged sword.
[00:09:28] Speaker A: And it really is a reminder to be in the moment, because.
[00:09:33] Speaker B: This challenge with my mom will pass. The stress and the weight will pass.
[00:09:44] Speaker A: Because she will pass.
[00:09:46] Speaker B: But then she's passed, which means that.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: The time I have with her right now will pass, and there will be.
[00:09:54] Speaker B: A longer time when she is not with me.
It means that this time, that's right.
[00:10:01] Speaker A: Here with her.
[00:10:05] Speaker B: Whether I seek to.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: Find the joy and the positive in.
[00:10:08] Speaker B: The fact that I get to hold the space for her during the last years of her life, that gift, that.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: Opportunity to be so present, to reminisce about the past and help her through.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Right now, it's going to pass.
And then she will be gone, and I will be sad and have to navigate the fact that this too shall pass.
Now, when she passes, I'll be sad. But in the same aspect, there will.
[00:10:45] Speaker A: Be a conundrum in it, because I.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: Will no longer have the weight of caring for her.
So it will be bittersweet. Right?
[00:10:56] Speaker A: There's a release for her and a release for me, but the release for me means that she's gone.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: So you find relief in the lifting of that weight.
[00:11:13] Speaker A: I hesitate to call it a burden, knowing that they're at peace, knowing that they're not declining anymore, knowing that they're not hurting anymore.
So you rejoice in that you can rejoice in the fact that you are.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: Lighter, and yet you have the weight of missing them. This too shall pass.
It's very interesting.
[00:11:42] Speaker A: How is this serving me?
Bringing that back full circle, how is this serving me?
[00:11:48] Speaker B: This too shall pass.
It means that being present in the.
[00:11:55] Speaker A: Moment.
[00:11:58] Speaker B: And recognizing that it's just a.
[00:12:04] Speaker A: Small piece of time compared to my.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: 47 years of life.
Being in the moment and finding the joy, being able to laugh.
[00:12:22] Speaker A: Listening to the fact that she sat down and had a 45 minutes conversation with my nieces about whether Team Werewolf or Team Vampire is better. Who's on?
[00:12:34] Speaker B: Which team and why and being able.
[00:12:37] Speaker A: To laugh about that.
[00:12:43] Speaker B: When I get lost in the weight and the heaviness.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: Stopping and asking myself the question of how is this serving me?
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Is a beautiful way to turn it.
[00:12:57] Speaker A: Around from a heavy burden to a gift.
[00:13:01] Speaker B: And I'm not saying that it makes everything easy, but it does make it a little easier and lighter to recognize that I do have the strength to do this, that my experiences in life.
[00:13:20] Speaker A: The challenges that I've already been through, have taught me tools to help me get through this.
My past experiences have taught me the importance of self care. My past experiences have taught me the.
[00:13:37] Speaker B: Importance of friendship and a support system.
[00:13:44] Speaker A: My past experiences have helped me understand the importance of self introspection.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: And pausing in the moment, instead of flying off the handle. I know how to pause, count to ten, ask myself if what I have to say is kind, helpful, true, beneficial for my mom if what I am.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: About to do, I will look back at in five years and say, gosh.
[00:14:23] Speaker B: I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I had handled that way differently.
I'm grateful for the challenges in my life.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: Isn't that crazy to say?
And yet the challenges are what gave.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: Me the strength and the knowledge and the tools to be where I'm at.
So my question to you, while it.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: Really made me angry and prickly, I felt like a pufferfish that had all those spines coming out.
Yeah, I was like, oh, you did not. I'm so puffing up right now. I am so mad at you. And we're just now reconnecting.
[00:15:08] Speaker B: But let me pause.
It's a beautiful question and it is unbelievably helpful.
I pray that you ask yourself, how is this serving me?
[00:15:25] Speaker A: And in asking yourself, how is this serving me? When you come up with those answers, I pray that you write them down.
[00:15:32] Speaker B: Put them in black and white or.
[00:15:34] Speaker A: Blue and white or purple and white, whatever color you decide you want to use. But write them down and put them so that you can see them if you need to. Post them in places so that you can be reminded of the gift of this challenge. I know it's crazy to say that.
[00:15:49] Speaker B: It'S a gift, but it is a gift.
[00:15:52] Speaker A: Because as you watch them decline, you can be grateful that you have your faculties about you, that you are able to be present and support them.
Gratitude can change your attitude.
[00:16:09] Speaker B: Gratitude can help remind you of the beautiful things that are.
[00:16:17] Speaker A: When I find gratitude for my mom, it's much more difficult to be upset with her.
How is this serving me? It teaches me to be present here.
[00:16:29] Speaker B: In this moment, right now, for myself and for my mom.
[00:16:34] Speaker A: And when my mom passes, I will still be reminded of being present for myself with the people around me.
[00:16:43] Speaker B: I will have learned viscerally the importance.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: Of self care, the importance of friendship, the importance of strength.
[00:16:55] Speaker B: The fact that this, too, shall pass, whether it's joy or pain.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: Thank you so much for being here.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: Thank you for listening.
[00:17:07] Speaker A: Thank you for letting me share. I hope that you're doing okay.
I hope that you are finding the support structure that you need to help you through this. I hope that you are continuing to.
[00:17:20] Speaker B: Do self care and support yourself as.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: Much as you're asking other people to support you, and as much as you are helping to support that person that you love so very much.
I hope that you ask this question.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: How is this serving me? Knowing that this too, shall pass, how is this serving me?
[00:17:38] Speaker A: And then make notes of that so.
[00:17:39] Speaker B: That you can remember them as time.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: Goes on, as things get more difficult.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: How is this serving?
Take care, and I hope to see.
[00:17:49] Speaker A: You next week here on Louis Body and Mindful Caregiving.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: Take care.
