Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Welcome back to Louie Body and mindful caregiving. I'm Crystal Jacowski, your host, and I'm really glad you're here. This week, I want to talk about some nitty gritty details on end of life planning. But before I dive into that, always, always self care first. What did I do for self care? Well, I went to a group ballroom dance class with my husband so that I could go out, I could laugh, I could enjoy for a little bit. And then we got dinner at this sandwich. Stop that. My husband really likes. And came home. So it was a delightful evening to enjoy each other's company.
[00:00:49] End of life planning is something that I am unbelievably passionate about. It is something that I urge everyone to do.
[00:01:02] I encourage you to do it when you're young because it can happen. Passing can happen at any time, just randomly and very surprisingly. Or when you are at old age and you just don't know when it will happen and what will happen. You may think that you are perfectly healthy, but something else is going on inside.
[00:01:24] I have had people who have planned for their passing, and they have known everything from where they're being buried and what casket they want to, who is speaking at their funeral. And then I have known people who have passed like that, twinkly, give an eye. And no planning was done. There was nothing prepared, and the loved ones were left going.
[00:01:49] Now what?
[00:01:52] Those are big, broad brushstrokes. Where do I want my stuff to go? Who do I want to do this? Where do I want to be laid to rest? How do I want to be laid to rest? What do I want done with my body? Those are big, broad brushstrokes, and they're ones that everybody talks about. I want to talk about some more nitty gritty, deeper ones that are ones that might be super helpful and beneficial, especially when you have a loved one with dementia. And you can put these out for yourself now, even if you don't have dementia. And you're like, you know what? I just want people to know what I want. And these are like the frosting on the cake. Knowing where you want to be buried or knowing whether you want to be cremated or natural burial or a mushroom soup, whatever that is. Knowing that is great. But that is the cake base.
[00:02:43] What's the frosting? What are the other details? And these are what I talked to my mom about. And I encourage everyone to talk to their loved ones about and do yourself. So it would be lovely if every one of us just magically died in our sleep. One night, and that was it.
[00:03:06] But that is a rarity that does not happen very often. Usually there is a longer period of time when they are laying in bed unresponsive or they're declining, getting closer and closer to passing.
[00:03:24] That's why we have palliative care and we have hospice care, because as people get closer to death, you need a little extra help and a little extra comfort support.
[00:03:37] So what is the frosting that they want?
[00:03:43] What sounds do you want in your room or in your house?
[00:03:50] Do you want to hear people talking?
[00:03:54] Do you have favorite tv shows or radio shows? Music? Do you want it just to be quiet?
[00:04:04] What smells would you like to smell?
[00:04:09] Are there certain candles that you like? Did you used to work on a farm and you just loved the smell of wheat or manure?
[00:04:20] What smells? Maybe you were a baker and you love smelling cookies or pastries or bread baking.
[00:04:31] What smells do you want around?
[00:04:35] If you're able to eat, what tastes do you want?
[00:04:44] Do you want sweet treats and baked goodies?
[00:04:48] Do you want comfort foods like shepherd's pie and Mac and cheese?
[00:04:54] What flavors do you want on your palate during that last time? What textures do you want?
[00:05:07] Maybe you're someone who really likes super soft stuff, and maybe you don't like super soft stuff because it feels like it grips on your fingers and any dry spot that you have, and you want something a little more solid cotton or whatnot. Do you have a favorite pair of pjs? Do you need to get a couple more pairs of those?
[00:05:27] What is it that you want to feel?
[00:05:31] Do you want people around in your room with you, or would you rather not have people around? If you want people around, do you want a big party, or do you want more one on one time with loved ones?
[00:05:49] What is it? If you could create your perfect end of life, what would that look like?
[00:06:03] This is what I want everyone to talk about. This is what I want everyone to look at and think about for a moment. My mom, she's okay with her kids and her grandkids being around. She doesn't want them all in the room, but she wouldn't mind one or two of them floating in and out of her house here and there.
[00:06:30] She wants to smell cookies.
[00:06:33] She wants to smell somebody baking in her house.
[00:06:38] She wants to hear a variety of things, not just one thing. Just one thing would drive her nuts.
[00:06:48] But she loves mash, the tv show, and she loves haas. I don't remember what that one was. Ponderosa.
[00:07:00] She likes the crime stuff. She's always got something going on the tv. But she also loves older movies and fun stuff, so we could have that going.
[00:07:11] She does like, certain music, and she's like, we could throw some of that in, but I want a variety. She doesn't want the same thing all the time.
[00:07:20] She wants the softest of the soft. She wants to feel like she's on a cloud the whole time.
[00:07:27] She wants to feel like she's just kind of floating because everything is just so soft.
[00:07:33] I know that I will be able to take. My mom has these wind chimes in her house. She doesn't necessarily want them outside. She doesn't want to listen to them. She wants to see them. So I've hung them. She has a peaked roof, and so I've hung them from the peak and in her ceiling. And I know that as she gets closer and she's really declining, if she's confined to her room, I'm going to move some of those to her bedroom so that she can still see them and enjoy them. She has an aura frame that everybody keeps sending pictures to, and I will be moving that to her bedroom so that while she's laying in bed, she will be able to see all of those pictures. There are certain things that I know that will bring her comfort because I've spent so much time with her during this long goodbye in learning more about her and her wants and her needs. You have the ability to do this, too, whether it's for yourself or for someone else. What environment would you create for you? What environment would you create for your loved one? Doing that planning helps me know what my steps are. They help me know how I can love and honor her as she passes through this difficult transition. Or maybe it's an easy transition.
[00:08:59] I know she's afraid of dying, and yet she also wants it just to be over.
[00:09:04] She says every night when she goes to bed, I just wish I wouldn't wake up.
[00:09:09] I'm done. I'd like to move on.
[00:09:14] I have more time with her. I know she'll be here for several months yet, but this is her mind frame set. This is her mind frame. And she has decided we're not treating anything else. So, okay, that's what we're doing now. I know what I'll do. As she declines.
[00:09:32] You can do the same. What's the frosting on the cake? And how can you make it easier and smoother and more honorable for that person that you love so dearly?
[00:09:44] I hope this got your brain thinking a little bit. I hope that your wheels are churning and you're thinking. Well, I know that I would want this, but I have no clue what my loved one would want. And now you have an opportunity to go ask. Go check in and see what's your frosting. Have a great day, do some self care, and I'll see you again next week on Louis body and mindful caregiving.
