Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Speaker A: Welcome back to Louis Body and mindful caregiving. I'm Crystal Jacobski, your host, and thank you for joining me this week.
Today we're going to talk about the caregiver arc, what it is, what it means, how you can identify with it and figure out where you're at in it.
And I always start with self care. That is the most important thing for me, is self care. How are you going to take care of yourself so you can be the best caregiver you can possibly be for your loved one? And for me, I did a puzzle and took some downtime and chose to play on my phone because I recognized.
[00:00:45] Speaker B: That I needed a break.
[00:00:49] Speaker A: So the caregiver arc, what is the caregiver arc and.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: How do you deal with it?
[00:00:57] Speaker A: How do you know what it is? So this is something that I got from my talk doc. She is a caregiver talk doc. So she is used to dealing with people who are taking care of loved ones with some kind of terminal disease or illness. And this was an interesting concept to me and I really wanted to share it with you because I thought it made a lot of sense and I think it can be a very helpful thing.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: So there's a caregiver arc where you.
[00:01:26] Speaker A: Kind of go up and then you kind of go really down and then you kind of level out. The up is when you very first learn of the diagnosis of your loved one and where you are going to fit in this role if you are going to be the main caregiver of them.
The first part of this arc is labeled manic, and it's just because it's more energy and it's intense and it's up. This is when you are doing a ton of research and you are trying to grasp everything you can about the disease, about what you're going to go through. You are trying to figure out how to navigate your new role and with your loved one while still navigating all of the other roles that you still have, you're in a little bit of a tailspin because of the change of direction your life journey just took. Perhaps you talk to people, desperately trying to get them to viscerally understand what it is you're going through. You desperately need people.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: To know that.
[00:02:36] Speaker A: This is so challenging, and yet people cannot understand it on any level, and you'll be frustrated with that. Or maybe you're someone who buttons down and doesn't talk to anybody and you're still doing all of the information, you're pulling it all in and.
[00:02:57] Speaker B: You'Re just.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: In this ball, and you're working hard to navigate this new normal.
So the manic is where it's just the beginning. It is just the beginning. And you know that things are changing, and they are changing, sometimes faster than you can handle. And you need the information so that you can properly address what's coming up. And yet pulling in that information while still navigating your regular life, it's just overwhelming. There is so much out there, and it's like drinking from a fire hose, trying to take it all in, because what people say and what actually applies to me and my loved one and how is it going to work?
And Louis body is so vastly different that it is not going to be the same for your parent or your loved one, and it's not going to be the same for the next person. It is going to be so different and so crazy. So this first manic is taking it all in. After you're done with this manic space, this intense time filled with stress and anxiety and constantly shifting understanding and directions, you crash. And there's this depressive spot in the arc. So you've been manic. Now you hit depression, and it is.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: This, how can I continue to do this?
[00:04:25] Speaker A: When will this stop? Maybe you are withdrawing from all of the extracurricular activities, and you're losing the joy and things that you once love because you just don't have time.
There's not enough time in the world to do everything that you need to do to take care of your loved one and yourself and anything else that is in your life at this time.
The depressive is, you are down. You are so frustrated throughout it. Grief is a constant companion.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: And this grief, you don't know when it's going to hit. You don't know how long it's going to be there.
[00:05:05] Speaker A: You don't know if it's going to take you out completely to where you are unable to function or if it will be a grief that you're like, okay, I see you there, but I still got to get through my day. You really have no idea. And the grief is a ton of different things. It's loss of your free time. It's loss of the way that life was. It's loss of your loved one and the relationship that you used to have with them or the relationship you hoped to have with them. It's anger at the role that you have to play and this disease that is taking your family member out and how tired you are and how you just feel so alone and frustrated.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: All of the feels it's fear of losing them. It's fear of not having them around.
[00:05:58] Speaker A: And yet the wish that this would go fast and then the guilt that you even thought that. It's this depressive state of working through.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: It, regret, and how you are or.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: Are not handling things all along this time, from the manic episode to the depressive episode. And these are long. Like, they take months to get through one and go through the next one. This entire time you are learning.
It's a new job. This is a new skill.
You are taking in every bit that you can. You are going to doctors appointments. You are working to understand where they're truly at, what they really need, and how you can help them, how you can be the best caregiver for your loved one you can possibly be.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: Now, over this time, it takes like.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Up to a year or longer.
And at this, some point in this caregiver arc, you get to a spot.
[00:07:10] Speaker B: Where it's like, oh, I'm actually pretty proficient at this.
I'm good at going to the dentist.
[00:07:17] Speaker A: Appointment, at the doctor's appointment. I'm good at making this. I'm good at taking care of them.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: This way I don't freak out at.
[00:07:23] Speaker A: Each little upset or decline.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: I've learned my job pretty well, and.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Each new thing that comes is just another educational opportunity. It may be a little bit frustrating, but you're able to assimilate it or process it quicker and easier. Instead of taking a week to be okay, instead of taking a week of being emotional and stressed and frustrated, maybe.
[00:07:55] Speaker B: It only takes a few hours or.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: A day to be able to get to the. It's okay. We've got this one covered, too, so we'll just keep moving along.
[00:08:06] Speaker B: The caregiver arc is something that is.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: So obvious in each caregiver, and this is something my doctor, my therapist, my talk doc was telling me about. And I think that it's important for you to be able to hear it and know it and understand it. Because if you understand that and you understand that, it's going to take months, that it can take a year to learn a new skill.
[00:08:31] Speaker B: When you learn a new job, when.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: You first go in and you have to learn the new computer systems and the reservation systems and everything else that's going on, everything else that they need in that job, it takes time. There is a training period, and over time, you may think that you have everything and they may be done training you with the nitty gritty stuff that they want you to learn, but there are all these hidden things in the background that happen. And you don't necessarily get trained on. You learn them as you go.
So starting a new job is like the front of the caregiver arc where it's manic and you are drinking from a fire hose, learning and taking it in. And then you get into this cool and easy. You're still learning things. That's the down part. You're still learning things and it's kind of a challenge. And then you get into this. I'm totally capable. I'm good.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: I got this.
[00:09:27] Speaker A: It's not a big deal.
Look at it. Remind yourself of this.
[00:09:32] Speaker B: It can take a year to get.
[00:09:35] Speaker A: Through that entire arc. If you are in that depressive episode, it's okay. You're going to come out of it.
[00:09:41] Speaker B: Now.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: At the end of that arc, when you finally come out of that depressive episode, you are in a space where you are able to add back in things that you loved.
You are able to feed back into you a little bit more.
You feel a little bit stronger, you feel a little bit more capable, and you are not as thrown.
That's where you eventually get.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: So look at where you're at right now.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: Look at the challenges you have right now. Are you in the up manic? Are you in the depressive part where it's just like, oh, this is taking so long, and I know we have.
[00:10:27] Speaker B: So much longer to go, or are.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: You moving more into the. Feel like I can finally breathe.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: I don't feel like I'm stuck underwater anymore and I feel capable in my.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: Life and what I'm doing.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: You'll get there.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: This is a well known phenomena.
It is known and normal to get it, to be there. So take an opportunity, give yourself a break, and recognize that self care will help get you through it. And next week, I really want to talk about the paradox of self care and what it means. So self care. Self care will help you get through this ridiculous arc that you might be going through as a caregiver or you likely are going through as a caregiver, and it will help you get through to this other space of yeah, it's not necessarily smooth sailing because you've still got the wakes from other boats and you've still got the wind that gives you some choppy waves, but it's a lot easier. You don't get as seasick from seeing so much.
It's not as difficult to pull the ropes so that you can sail.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: You got this.
[00:11:42] Speaker A: You absolutely got this. Remind yourself of the caregiver arc. Give yourself a break. Acknowledge that grief is perfectly normal.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: It will be a challenge.
[00:11:52] Speaker A: And if you're having those thoughts that are really upsetting, go listen to the my thoughts. These thoughts are normal. Because I'm telling you, it's okay to have all of those thoughts. It's okay to be challenged by it. And you'll be okay.
[00:12:03] Speaker B: You will be okay.
[00:12:04] Speaker A: You're not an asshole for thinking whatever it is that you not. It's normal. Okay. Thanks for listening. Have a great day, and come back next week for when I talk about the paradox of self care as a caregiver.
[00:12:17] Speaker B: Until next week, take care.
